hi.

In Miami, it's election day. moving on.

I've written and rewritten starting lines to this post, and all of them have come out negative. I've been so miserable lately, that I can't even seem to get around it even when I try to. It's something I have to work at, but it seems mentally I'm in deeper then I have before.

I was reading something on the internets that made me think how strong I used to be. I was really good as self-assessing, seeing something I didn't like, and making a change to address it. It was fearless and heroic in a very internalized way. No one really saw it,maybe a girlfriend or two, but what was important was that I felt it. I knew it was there, and I was able to harness this strength to stear this ship through the perilous waters.

Now I've grown in age, but I think what was once strong and unwaving mentally has been eroded by the waves of negativity and belittlement slapping against it. This erosion has once again been caused by internal and external influences. I no longer think "I need a change, let's make that change." Now it's more "I need a change, but instead of changing, I'll ignore what needs to be done and lay in the bed lamenting the need for change."

I don't know when I got so damn melancholy and mousey. It pisses me off, but it doesn't light the fire of change.I don't know what I need, but I need to find something soon. I am realizing I am not immortal, that time is waiting with an ending I don't really want.The delay in action is pushing me further towards this solution.

Everything is like one of those old "Choose Your Adventure" books where you are given an arbitrary decision and you have to turn the page to view the outcome. Sometimes they make sense: "Do you go outside in the frsh air (page 37)? Or do you close the blinds and lay comatose in a darkened room (page 65)?" It's obvious - or should be - which one will continue the story more favorably then the other.

Lately, though, it feels like everything is off kilter, like the author didn't really think the book through. "Do you throw a pebble into the still lake (page 123)? Or do you eat a sandwich in Brooklyn (page 14)?" Jumping ahead, you see page 123 throwing a rock into the lake only to have a jet land on top of you. On page 14, the sandwich  tastes like a lifetime of regret that makes you choke to death as people ignore you because they are two busy watching children playing in a fire hydrant. It's crazy because every page has the same inconsistent logic and the same ominous endings.

I can't stop reading it though. I want to see the various ends of destruction.

...

While I love traveling and seeing new things, lately it's been a big letdown. I never have the time for the gym - or at least I rationalize myself out of going - that I end up gaining weight and feeling disgusting. I've become a slight health nut, fueled by my promise that I would exercise at least 3 days a week, and te fact that I get there once or never a week bothers me. I have slimmed down, dropping 2 jeans sizes over the past 6 months. I worry that I will go back up in 2 weeks. I really dislike how the gains are so easily lost.

Also, I would go out by myself and have fun. Talk to people, explore, see cool things.Lately, when I go out it's not fun at all. I sit alone at a bar, or watch a sunset surrounded by lovers, and I realize how cut off from the rest of the world I am. Where once stood someone defiant and proud of their individuality, now just sulks someone who wants to talk to the people who won't listen to him.

...

Wow, I am such a downer.

...

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to ba an exercise in advanced sulking (working on my masters in that... wait until you read my thesis!), but just a flexing of my mental muscles to see if I could still write a coherent sentence. At any rate, it always feels good to unload, and I am glad I let some of the poison out. Hopefully I'll think of adding to this blog when spirits are high as opposed to when they are only low. I know there is a "Rosie the Riveter" inside of me just waiting to dlex her muscles and get to work.

The throne

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Market St,Philadelphia,United States

One day....

I hope one day I can give my kids experiences that teach life lessons in multiple levels, like my dad has for me.

Mobile blogging

I DLed an app for my iPhone (yes, I've gone completely to the dark side), and am trying it out. I'm hoping this will allow me to update more regularly. There's always a hope, right?

Things are really messed up in my professional life right now, just so much confusion... I just want some sanity there so I can have security.

... I suppose that's what a lot of us want.

I spent the last month working in exile in California. It was frustrating being away from all my family and friends without really knowing why I was out there. In fact, I'm still not sure, but I have some ideas.

I wish I had crazy resources to travel more. The Internet is great in that it creates a global society, but you still have to pay an arm and a leg and sit on a plane for 6+ hours to get to Europe. Where the he'll are our transporters?? Or at least personal jets.

I'm. Bit melancholy right now I suppose...

Location:Henry Ave,Philadelphia,United States

Narcisism

What drives someone to be a horrible person? I might be a bit full of myself (ok, a LOT full of myself), but I think that generally I believe I am a decent person and act like one. I like to imagine that people like me because I act decently. I try to lend a sympathetic ear, I try to do right, i don't beat up bums - unless they really deserve it. I don't kick babies.
Even evil babies that have it coming.

So why are others in the world horrible? What is the point?

I will assume that making someone else miserable somehow validates their existence.

Let's assume my assumption is true.

That's sad. These people are really sad.

I hope that I can eradicate these sad people from my life, but I hope even more that my friends and family can get rid of the sad and terrible people that meanthem discomfort just to boost themselves. Because the people I roll with? They're not those people.

And we will overcome. We might get knocked down a bit, but we have each other to lean on, to hold up, to get pulled up by. A support system.

I've decided there is no more room for horrible people in this world. Join me. RISE UP! Kick the nastiness to the curb.

Also, listen to the new strokes album. it's good.

Aaaaannnnnd.... we're back!

Thanks to Gawker media's issues with password security, my little humble slice of internet was shut down by the man. I understand and support their security concerns.

But you can't keep a good (or even mediocre) blog down!

I have recovered my history.

I can hear the legion of faithful fans breathing a collective sigh of relief.

In the imortal words of George Costanza: "I'm back, baby!"

A challenge, met.

Well, It's October. That means next month is November. That also means it is NaNoWriMo... National Novel Writing Month.

I've toyed with the idea of doing it for years. I think I even started it one month and failed miserably. Usually, I remember it's happening halfway through November. This time, however, I got a heads up from a friend, and so have plenty of time. I can think about what I should write. i can plan it out a little bit. i can psyche myself up.

It's quite the commitment. 6 pages a day for 30 days. I have trouble writing 6 sentences in this blog, and I'm going to do 6 pages? Audacity, meet your new overlord.

But, I think I need this. i need some discipline. Recently, I beat a PC game (Dragon Age). At the end, it consumed me. While I did enjoy the story, I just wanted to finish it, to finish something. A need not met in my professional life. So I would stay up late into the night, trying to get to the end of the story, the big meandering, glorious story.

Finally, i ended up triumphant. Almost all the side quests; the main quest complete. And since then I haven't had the desire to play a video game. That will change eventually, but for now, my mind wants to take on other pursuits.

I think that I need to give this blog a facelift. It's been very loyal to me, waiting obediently outside the door for me to return to it, even if I am gone for months at a time. I think it deserves better.

I have a domain that I could move it over to, but I'm not sure I want to leave blogger. I really need to find an easy way to update both sites at the same time, but my skillz aren't l44t enough.

Bookwise, I am 3/4 of the way through "The Book Thief". It's been some good stuff. Very serious stuff from what I had been reading recently, but great book for all the rain we've been receiving.