hi.

In Miami, it's election day. moving on.

I've written and rewritten starting lines to this post, and all of them have come out negative. I've been so miserable lately, that I can't even seem to get around it even when I try to. It's something I have to work at, but it seems mentally I'm in deeper then I have before.

I was reading something on the internets that made me think how strong I used to be. I was really good as self-assessing, seeing something I didn't like, and making a change to address it. It was fearless and heroic in a very internalized way. No one really saw it,maybe a girlfriend or two, but what was important was that I felt it. I knew it was there, and I was able to harness this strength to stear this ship through the perilous waters.

Now I've grown in age, but I think what was once strong and unwaving mentally has been eroded by the waves of negativity and belittlement slapping against it. This erosion has once again been caused by internal and external influences. I no longer think "I need a change, let's make that change." Now it's more "I need a change, but instead of changing, I'll ignore what needs to be done and lay in the bed lamenting the need for change."

I don't know when I got so damn melancholy and mousey. It pisses me off, but it doesn't light the fire of change.I don't know what I need, but I need to find something soon. I am realizing I am not immortal, that time is waiting with an ending I don't really want.The delay in action is pushing me further towards this solution.

Everything is like one of those old "Choose Your Adventure" books where you are given an arbitrary decision and you have to turn the page to view the outcome. Sometimes they make sense: "Do you go outside in the frsh air (page 37)? Or do you close the blinds and lay comatose in a darkened room (page 65)?" It's obvious - or should be - which one will continue the story more favorably then the other.

Lately, though, it feels like everything is off kilter, like the author didn't really think the book through. "Do you throw a pebble into the still lake (page 123)? Or do you eat a sandwich in Brooklyn (page 14)?" Jumping ahead, you see page 123 throwing a rock into the lake only to have a jet land on top of you. On page 14, the sandwich  tastes like a lifetime of regret that makes you choke to death as people ignore you because they are two busy watching children playing in a fire hydrant. It's crazy because every page has the same inconsistent logic and the same ominous endings.

I can't stop reading it though. I want to see the various ends of destruction.

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While I love traveling and seeing new things, lately it's been a big letdown. I never have the time for the gym - or at least I rationalize myself out of going - that I end up gaining weight and feeling disgusting. I've become a slight health nut, fueled by my promise that I would exercise at least 3 days a week, and te fact that I get there once or never a week bothers me. I have slimmed down, dropping 2 jeans sizes over the past 6 months. I worry that I will go back up in 2 weeks. I really dislike how the gains are so easily lost.

Also, I would go out by myself and have fun. Talk to people, explore, see cool things.Lately, when I go out it's not fun at all. I sit alone at a bar, or watch a sunset surrounded by lovers, and I realize how cut off from the rest of the world I am. Where once stood someone defiant and proud of their individuality, now just sulks someone who wants to talk to the people who won't listen to him.

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Wow, I am such a downer.

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Anyway, this wasn't supposed to ba an exercise in advanced sulking (working on my masters in that... wait until you read my thesis!), but just a flexing of my mental muscles to see if I could still write a coherent sentence. At any rate, it always feels good to unload, and I am glad I let some of the poison out. Hopefully I'll think of adding to this blog when spirits are high as opposed to when they are only low. I know there is a "Rosie the Riveter" inside of me just waiting to dlex her muscles and get to work.